A Cord Cutter’s Life is a series of guest posts by Greg Baker, featuring stories on the motivations, challenges, and benefits to cutting cable. If you’ve considered cutting the cord, let our visiting Cord Cutting Guru show you how in this fun, helpful series.

Hello, this is Greg Baker with the whatever-time-you’re-reading-this-o’clock news. A story is rapidly developing as we speak, and while we don’t have all the facts yet, what we know is that the weather is getting kinda hot.

While we don’t know if it’s a product of climate change, an angry and vengeful god, just the seasons changing, or a combination of all three, but one fact remains that we can all agree on; there’s no way that I’m going outside right now. Sweating? Jeez, no thanks. Humidity? No way. The ferocious all consuming, terrifying, powerful Sun? That’ll be a no.

The solution to this problem remains clear, even with this heat clouding our judgement: do not go outside. Stay indoors for all it’s worth. Never leave your couch. Our research team has gone ahead and compiled a list of reasons why to never leave your house again.

It’s too hot.

It’s too humid.

The sun is outside.

Even when the sun is gone, like, how is it still this hot.

Can’t get a sunburn from tv.

Your living room is less likely to have sharks.

You are statistically much less likely to be hit by a car while sitting on a couch vs being outside.

Movies are cool.

Its always worth it to rewatch The Matrix.

Get to meet interesting people like door-to-door salesmen and postal workers.

Going outside means you need to physically exert your body.

Netflix has Parks and Rec. Does your beach ball stream sitcoms? Nope, didn’t think so.

You can order groceries to your doorstep, so no point in even going outside for that.

Air conditioning.

When will it stop being this hot?

Well, folks, it appears with a long summer ahead, it’s best to take this advice and never ever ever go outside ever again, and you should just stay inside watching TV, because let’s face it: the outside is for suckers. This is Greg Baker reminding you to stay cool, stay dry, and stay inside watching your favorite shows and movies on your TCL Roku TV.